what does it mean when ganesha grants you darshan 3 times in one night. is it a symbol for blessing of success? what is success? how can I want anything when I do not really think? how do I mean the stuff I say, am I always truthful to myself or can everything be a delusion?
I saw lakshmi while meditating on her name. If I´m rotten, would she still grant me this kindness? or is it just because I`m thrice mentally disabled that I should recieve this mercy?
I do not necessarily believe in anything because how is that possible with duality of thinking. thinking is false, it´s being disabled. All I can is trust and Know by experience.
I saw someone in his own damnation pit. so I have visions. Am I now a prophet or should I ignore everything and place my trust in the synthetic drugs I´m forced to take? funny. Before I got those drugs I was completely passive, immediately on taking them I got horrible nightmares while awake, taking me to places where I´m locked up.
It was probably a warning because the next day my privacy and freedom was stripped and I became a test bunny for all kinds of chemicals. I´m not really mad or anything, not even at the person who caused my crisis but I wonder why I am not allowed to discuss the judged forcation of my captivity with the people who signed it.
NO, I get a letter. no one says anything, no one asks anything and there you have it, you´re property of the diagnostic and observing of some institude.
If I´m sick, please let me recover in privacy. but no, a psychiatrist said I was aggressive against my parents. everything about this is very silent. I may not go to court with it so I guess that policy grants people the ability to lie about clients. I love my parents and I wouldn´t hurt them even if I´m completely paranoid. So why do people who wish to help you insult you like this.
Sometimes I feel like the whole world is mad, people brag, gossip, lie and insult without any emotional cause. They just do this to see how others will react or respond.
Synthetic medicines contain dualistic properties, they are not homeopathic which only helps and never goes too far (homeopathic medicines are straight from the gods), synthetics do damage to do good. So why does not everyone try this if it seems like no one can behave himself.
I wanted answers but I got ignored so I shouted WHAT IS THIS MADNESS! then you´re watching television and a team of people grab you by the arms to lock you up. They take off your clothes without asking and ignore you the rest of the day. You can press a button to recieve attention, you will not get it.
Now I´m finally released they have the nerve to try and make arrangements with me. I will not be free without agreements I have to sign, even though my lawyer clearly stated this was not necessary.
If I try to know their arguments for limiting my freedom after releasement I get ignored.
One person says he´s surrounded by devils and he wants nothing to do with anyone. Yet I have to chase people from his room when he´s trying to sleep. People do not respect your privacy at all.
This person has been locked up for a long time and needs to recover in isolation because he gets paranoid from dictators and crazy people (like me) who can´t stop talking. He fears every night that people will murder him. What good does this hospital do?
Another person is gifted in sensing energy. The hospital was occupied in the war and terrible things happened on the site. The ground of Dijk en Duin is ensnared by dark energy.
Sensitive people get ill there. Psychotic people grow afraid there. Aggrevated people grow aggressive because of unexplained and unargumented guidelines. You will hear THIS IS HOW IT IS, CONFORM.
Being dictated does not enhance recovery. Unfortunately this is like it has always been. I wish I could do something for these people. Some are held there until they die. And people Die from the inside by not being free men and women.
This has been told every day, it will probably never change. Holland is a corrupt country. Lose temper one time, desire to speak the police but never get the chance, throw down a glass cup, encounter police and explain the situation. The deal was made before they saw you. You will be locked up. Lies will be forged to experiment on you, even though the original sentence was to observe you for 3 weeks.
Well even that is too long. Last year I was there for 3 weeks. I was terrified. People told me planes would be flying into buildings. I was vulnerable and could not stop thinking about it. I was shaking and trembling from fear the whole stay.
Solution to paranoid people = put them with even more paranoid people. Let them whither into fear psychosises and try to test as much drugs on them as possible.
Funny, I remember the first time I went mad. It was precisely when I decided to ignore a girl. It was a rotten thing I did but I immediately knew I had become an animal. I grew afraid of myself and laid low for a while. I regained my soul. So that is possible without chemical drugs.
Other people conciencly make worse choices than me, they feel the same. However they are always psychotic. Because what is a psychosis? being angry? No, that´s effect of it, the same as with unreasonable fears.
Psychotic means you do not care for anything. You are without manners. If you´re in politics you even get respect for it. You call someone who is dead for nearly 2000 years a pervert and a child abuser and everyone loves you for it. They will even believe it because who could doubt rumours that are age old?
I´m not saying the bible is factual but orthodoxy is a sin. Believing anything without even thinking of questioning it is orthodox. and parroting it even though it might be a lie is just plain stupid.
What are opinions good for? to establish character? How can you even mean anything at all? How can you assume anything as a fact without being allknowing.
Someone once said she could hear and smell everything that happens in the hospital. I asked her WHAT ARE YOU GOD? ha, people were insulted. Well then, don´t claim godlike features if it´s not true. it´s as simple as that.
Gee, I love writing. I usually burn my diaries so I just throw everything on facebook this time. I don´t know how to care. I´m just a messenger. I observe and try to make notion of it. Perhaps it will help me one day. But I doubt I can do anything good. Try explaining this stuff to a politician. Can you actually trust any of them? no they are too busy.
